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 March, 2012 Despite the mess of us we had a wonderful life.
Almost perfect. Okay, it was hammered with hardships. Not the kind either of us intended. Not consciously, anyway. It seems life had other plans. Or perhaps it was our souls? Did we know? Did we know our love would be deep and abiding and sacred and palpable? Did we know we took on the wounds of our parents... the hidden demons of abandonment, addiction and unworthiness? And despite our hearts, willingness and integrity we danced a painful, profound, yet oh-so ordinary dance of becoming. Who were we becoming? A better me? A refined you? Our familial dysfunction transformed? Was it the end? Despite the mess of us, our love didn't die, though I tried to kill it. Loving you, so deeply, as you entered the forest of uncertainty. Unarmed. Slightly crouching. Why did you go? And why so long? Those six lost years could have been blissful. At least that's what regret tells me. But you stayed, learned to armor yourself, forged new tools to help you battle your demons. So long. So bloody. And the kids and I stood at the edge of the woods, waiting. Longing. Hoping. Six long years of their momentary childhood. I can't regret on their behalf. It's too big... and it's not mine to wield. But, despite the mess of us, we stayed together. The cord of our love held fast. I trust it was your life line in some way. Your undying love for the kids and me. Despite the mess of us, we always felt your love. Its power. Your power. To transform. Despite the mess of us, your return was welcome... and frightening. Would things be okay now? Has the dragon been tamed? Did unworthiness heal... just enough perhaps? Despite the mess of us, we gained nine more precious years. Sober. Conscious. Together. Thankfully our kids - our family - experienced healing. Forgiveness. And, I'm sure in some way, some immeasurable lessons. Despite the mess of us, and our attempts to clean whatever remnants we could, you still had to die. And in this moment, through tears of grief and gladness and surrender, I remember our sacred love despite the mess of us. Inspired from a line in a poem by Ada Limon: "despite the mess of us."
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 The last time I told a lie, I think, was just a moment ago. You see, my mind lies. It has created a structure called reality and I adhere to its confines.
"I'm not powerful," I think... oh-so subtly. And then I act - or do I not act? - to affirm this lie. My heart, my soul aim to speak truth. It pushes through my dreams, my visions and even has a placeholder on my knowing. But the lie persists, convincingly. "Look!" it exclaims, "there is evidence all around you! Just look at your life! Does that exemplify power?" Shame wells, as do invisible tears. "I hear you," I whisper, my gut wrenched in dreams undigested. A breath. My soul reminds me to breathe. "Breathe deep," it beckons soothingly. "Remember who you are." I soften, just for a moment, drawing in the air - my innermost element - until it grounds me. My mind hushes for the smallest of instants. "Remember," I hear. Another breath, my heart searching for counter-evidence to atone any semblance of unworthiness. Stories flash across my mind. "Oh, look! There's your mother. She was strong. She was powerful. She birthed you into her powerful shadow, nurtured you to cultivate your own." "I remember," I offer softly. The mind is ruthless. Hard evidence. It presses me with a stare that burns and frightens. "Breathe in that fear," I hear from my soul. "Take it in, allow it to show itself to you." So I draw in another breath, fire still burning deep. "Use the fire!" she whispers. With air and fire, I have gathered two elements. Two sacred aspects of my being. "Do I fight?" I wonder. "No, simply soften... draw in what you resist." Laughter booms from the lie! "Are you really going to believe all that shit? Fire and air?" "And water," offers my soul. "Let your tears flow, my dear. Let them go." A warmth fills my eyes, my chest tightens in resistance. "Let go," she beckons. Against my pride, the tears flow. My face is wet and warm and salty. "Yes," she says. "Can you taste the salt?" I nod gently. "Ground your body, taste the salt and know your power." My mind, confused, has no idea what to do with all these elements, with these emotions. The lie dissipates. For now. In this moment I have surrendered to the truth. The truth of my soul, my humanity, the exquisiteness of being perfectly human. And, yes, even powerful.  Is this a message?
I need a message! I hunt for messages. Everything is a message, I simply need to decipher them. THINK. THINK. THINK. Decode. There is safety in knowing. The plan will direct me, I trust. I long for trust and safety and certainty in an unsafe world. Why dd Eric die? Why my mom? Why everything? I listened, I watched for messages. I was a good student, a good girl in this game of life. Ah... I sense righteousness. Maybe that's the mortal flaw? Where can I find peace in a world of messages? How can I enter the fulcrum point of heart, mind and soul? Oh, I mustn't forget the body. But it's the body that seems to trap me. Trap me into this illusion of pain and suffering and feelings and loss. It is clear I still grieve. I will probably always grieve. Is this a message? Is grief the message? According to some I must somehow transcend grief. Some? Who? Fuck! I don't understand "the way." I stop. Rest here in this welling pain of anxiety strangling my body. My body temple, holding my dreams and giving me feet to live into them. But where shall I go? I'm not sure of where to go and I open to the Divine for those messages. Thank you. I feel you enter me. I feel the softening of "okay-ness" and comfort and no messages to decipher. I allow a welcoming breath to nourish my insides. Though I still sense a slight burn in my heart. I know and feel what this is. The clutches of grief reminding me of my humanness. Reminding me of my capacity to love. Maybe I don't need messages. Maybe breath is all I need. And a space to empty words onto a page from that well of uncertainty and loss. The well wants to give sustenance. The well is love in all its unique and fractured aspects. A part of me allows this trust. The love. So maybe the message is love? Maybe I'm making it all too complicated by searching for messages other than love. And although my anger retorts, "but love hurts,: the wisdom integrates the love that is. I am the message, perhaps. I am love, I know. I am body and soul and mind and heart and so utterly human. As time passes, I don't want to circle back around to grief. I don't want to re-experience the warm tears and emptiness and fears of the future or sadness of the past which suffocate me. But I know I can soften around all of it. I know I can allow and not judge, and feel and breathe and let love in. I can remember the message - the only true message - is love. And simply be. Inspired by a line in a poem by Eleanor Lerman: "is this a message."  There’s perfection, perfectionism and Perfection. Well, there are more words associated with perfection, but let’s start by examining the essence of these three words. According to Oxford Languages’ online dictionary, perfection is defined as “the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects,” while perfectionism is the “refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.” Typically, we infer perfection as a nearly impossible state – especially in the context of the human being – and perfectionism as a neurotic, futile attempt to achieve it. But what about Perfection, with a capital P? No, you won’t find Perfection with a capital P having a specific definition in any dictionary. Unlike God, it is not typically capitalized, or noted to be more perfect than its lowercase version. But, as readers (even non-religious ones), we understand the essential difference between God and god; the former indicating a quality that transcends the ordinariness of lowercase. When God is capitalized, there’s an indication of specificity, a reverence, an unspoken understanding of significance, nobility, grandness, and unequivocal qualities… of Perfection. Whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs, allow yourself to liken the essence of Perfection with God/Goddess (or Source, Creator, or whatever word works for you) as a fundamentally unnamable quality – one that is meant to be experienced by the soul rather than understood by the mind. Using this as our definition, we can follow the path to Perfection. As humans, we may not see ourselves as God, or even god-like with our imperfect behaviors and various shortcomings, but as spiritual beings we also understand that we are aspects of God/Goddess/Source and, therefore, must be created from its Perfection. If the Perfection of God is in all things, so must this Perfection be our humanness – in each one of us – including our multitude of flaws and inadequacies. Buddhism and other eastern traditions teach that life itself is an illusion. That what we experience with our senses – or even think with our minds – is not reality in its entirety. Spiritual awareness enables us to recognize a grander Mystery; one we may never fully comprehend but strive to experience for personal fulfillment, joy and purpose. As we embark on a conscious, spiritual path, we often become seekers of teachers, gurus, and guideposts to be discovered “out there,” only to realize that what we seek is ultimately found within. What if, like our desire to “know God,” we chose to embrace our Perfection? In a culture that is shaped by high expectations of attractiveness, success, material goods, quality workmanship, and keeping up with the (name your family), we have come to realize the harsh consequences that impossible standards can have on the average individual trying to be and/or present perfection and – understandably – failing. Erroneously, we associate this external, polished perfection with our value. Like shifting our attention from an external God that will answer our every prayer (and feeling unworthy when unanswered) to cultivating within a deeper trust in God’s Plan (or Divine Timing or Thy Will), perhaps it’s time to realize that the external perfection that tantalizes us has actually been a call to embrace our essential Perfection. Our spiritual maturation enables us to perceive things from a foundation of Love and Perfection and it’s our human striving that becomes the practice. The path to embracing your Perfection does not need to be dogmatic, nor does it have to be fuel for excuses to do and say and show up as your lowest expression of yourself… but, of course, it can. Instead, like believing in God, perhaps the quest begins as a mere possibility – that it exists and you are interested in discovering more. Like most spiritual practices, embracing your Perfection will take… well, practice. This can start with simple affirmations such as, “I am Perfect and Whole just as I am.” Meditation or visualization can support your process. Listening to and shifting your self-talk away from criticism and towards the remembrance of your Perfection can be affirming. In time, you may come to believe wholeheartedly in your Perfection, in spite of external circumstances indicating you may actually be delusional. Maybe others won’t believe, or trust, or understand, and you will occasionally sink into doubt. This is where cultivated trust acts as reinforcement.
 Pressure is often the catalyst for transformation. Wood, fiber, metal, clay and other raw materials become transformed – oftentimes into something useful or beautiful – with conscientious pressure, intention and skill. To say, “2020 has been a year of relentless pressures” would be a gross understatement. And the year is just two-thirds over! We can easily identify several public, mass challenges that have marked our lives this year – at least somewhat directly – but many of us are facing more personal pressures as well. Death, divorce, depression, division, and disaster come to mind… and that’s just a few of the Ds. No matter the personal affects of 2020, one might wonder, “What did I sign up for here?” And that’s a good question, which deserves some openhearted contemplation. With a quiet mind and grounded neutrality, contemplate this unprecedented time as it relates to you. Here are some good starter inquiries:
These contemplations can be held lightly in meditation and allowed to rest, with revelations unfolding over several days. You can also address them more directly, writing each question at the top of a page and allowing the free-form “answers” to flow from your pen, without hesitation or judgment. Another approach is to ask one specific question before bed, trusting that your dreams will offer insights. Recording the dream upon waking sharpens your recollection of it and prompts your inner wisdom for interpretations as details surface. Meeting the pressures of life with inquiry and contemplation empowers us to find the wisdom and opportunities that are buried within. Using what we discover for positive transformation takes intention and willingness. As much as we would love to rest on our laurels with grace and ease, 2020 (and the next few years, according to some astrologers) is demanding more of us – globally and individually. Our collective awakening is gaining momentum now. As infinite beings, we are always a work in progress, ever capable of growth with a plethora of innate gifts to support our evolution. In times of intense pressure, how can we develop our capacities for transformation toward something we actually desire? Not everyone is equally skilled, nor beholds the same vision of usefulness or beauty that transformation can accomplish. To apply a one-size-fits-all suggestion may not resonate. Or work. Yet a simplistic starting point is: know thyself. Currently, many of our shadows and unresolved issues are coming to the forefront. The things we don’t like seeing, feeling, or hoped we’d get to bypass are demanding our attention. Awareness and understanding of ourselves, as well as our so-called issues, make room for acceptance and, if willing, change. Knowing our “personality” is not enough, we must dig deeper – carefully and consciously unearth the rubble and trust we will find some gems. Many of our wounds have devolved into unconscious patterns: feeling bad, closing our hearts, mistreating others or ourselves, acting carelessly, and so on. The more traumatic wounds may appear large and looming, like massive, immoveable stones; whereas smaller discords are more like pebbles that misshape and weigh down our pockets. Unresolved wounds and feelings of unworthiness aren’t “bad,” per se, but are not optimal for joyful authenticity and healthy empowerment. It’s reasonable to deduce that our wounds and beliefs about unworthiness lead to destruction – and we have a chronic condition. The spiritual evolution we are undergoing is not asking for perfection; is it urging us to resolve hindrances to our greatest expression. What we transform within ourselves inextricably affects our world. Fundamentally, we have a natural aptitude for taking care of our needs, albeit sometimes only primordially. As babies we either fulfilled our own needs (sleep, elimination, thumb-sucking) or cried instinctively to get them met (nourishment, comfort, care). Metaphysically, our more subtle faculties also preserve and protect us as we navigate through life. Our inherent remembrance of Oneness enables love, our keen ability to empathize reinforces connectedness, and our capacity to sense emotions and potential volatilities helps us decipher unspoken words or situations. Yet, the wounds and traumas we endure can morph into layers of fear and protectiveness, obscuring our innate gifts, our expression of our authentic selves, and our joy. By recognizing and cultivating our inherent gifts we begin to dissolve the blocks that limit us and clear the pathways that lead us back to our essence – the origin of our power and joy. Whether working with a skilled practitioner, participating in a conscientious group, or choosing to work alone, understanding the core of our obstacles can help us access self-compassion and illuminate our capabilities. With conscious assessment, we can discover the relation between obstacle and gift. For example, if hurt-feelings, rejection and abandonment are wounds that became blocks, we can “turn the coin over” to recognize caring, love and connection as foundational gifts. Try this simple exercise using list-making to discover your hidden gems:
With your list of gems, decide which ones you wish to polish first and brainstorm ways in which to do so. Do you want to take a class? Read books? Moreover, take note of what you are already doing to preserve your gifts. If you are naturally sensitive, fortify healthy ways to preserve your sensitivity. You may decide to learn the art of clairvoyance, clairaudience or mediumship. If your big heart loves deeply but you’ve guarded it from intimacy, maybe you learn relationship-building skills in a safe and compassionate environment. If underneath your criticism and judgment you discover your affinity for peace and justice, perhaps art will be a joyful way to express and create the harmony you envision.
 As I mentioned in my last article, These are the Times…, our global collective is in an intense awakening, and I continue to see that we are going to experience a series of “situations” as many of our wounds and shadows and misaligned beliefs rise to the surface to be seen, heard, and, hopefully, healed. What I didn’t realize in March is how soon, or what kind of “event” would influence so many people around the world. The murder, captured on camera, of George Floyd has sparked worldwide protests in response to the disproportionate killings of black people by America’s police force.
For those unfamiliar with my biography, you may not know that I've had two family members shot and killed by police. For perspective, let me give you the circumstances of each: My uncle, my dad’s youngest brother (2004) – He left a house, then was suddenly chased by a plain clothes officer (never identified himself), first by vehicle, then by foot until he was trapped in an alley and then shot five times in the back. Unarmed, innocent, father of five, including a newborn. After being shot, he was left to bleed out as the EMTs were prohibited from aiding him. OOPS… the narcotics officer was looking for a different Mexican-American with dark skin; a parolee who also had a mustache, but was about five inches in height-difference than my uncle. My uncle's immediate family was mercilessly harassed by law enforcement after the shooting. Though indicted, the officer was acquitted. My cousin, my mom’s sister’s son (2006) – He showed up at an Army Reserve office with a gun as he was distraught and threatening his ex-girlfriend. Cops called his cell phone and spoke to him for a while, asking him to "please leave, sir." He did... but returned a little later, and was subsequently shot once he pointed his gun directly at the officer. He actually only pulled his trigger once it was against his own head, as he wanted a guaranteed death. He was very fair-skinned, and was definitely threatening. His family was not harassed. And, as this was a suicide-by-cop, the situation was evaluated but the officer was not charged. This are just two stories, of course, but the systemic racism is clear when you compare the danger-to-cop (or others) circumstances along with the skin tones. For the past few weeks, I have been diligently speaking out on my social media accounts, signing petitions, and helping people understand the unconsciousness we are prone to when living – submerged – in a racist culture. Though I have yet to get out myself, all three of my daughters have participated in peaceful protests in Sacramento and San Francisco, standing in solidarity of justice. I am incredibly proud of all my young adult children, who’ve worked tirelessly in the name of equal rights. Just as I do in individual readings, and in my Sacred Offerings newsletters and articles, I continue to shine the light into the shadows that hold us back, whether individually or collectively. It's part of what I do; bringing forth that which we cannot see so well, as awareness is the first step to transformation, so we can love those mis-aligned aspects back to wholeness. We are in a massive transformation, which will likely cause us unprecedented feelings of discomfort for the next several years. As difficult or painful as it may be, we are more than ready to evolve. A world where any human is made to live in fear of being targeted simply for being who s/he is – whether race, skin tone, sexual orientation, religion, gender, disability, etc. – is a world in need of profound healing from fear and hate, and beliefs rooted in unworthiness. As uncomfortable as this is to see, to understand that we all have been programmed to be racist, sexist, OTHER-ist in a purposefully suppressive system, it is NOW TIME (far past, actually) to notice, to name and unpack what is unconscious, fear-based, holding us back, and undermining and hurting ourselves, crippling our humanity. Doing a spiritual bypass and emphatically claiming "We are One" without doing the inner work to heal our own systemic (unconscious) programming of hate, fear and separation is not truly transformational; it's avoidance. Yes, we are one, but that "one" has been fragmented with many aspects, the wounded and fearful, hiding for "safety" in the shadows. We must acknowledge our shortcomings, or they will continue to operate in unconscious, often hurtful, ways. Every day we can see this pattern of our unresolved wounds affecting our relationships, our finances, our health, and our general happiness. This is why we do "inner work" for wellness. When it comes to racism, or any other 'ism, I invite you to go into a meditative state and ask yourself, "What am I not seeing here? What makes me uncomfortable around this? What's triggering to me? Where am I complacent? Where can I heal? What is my part in our collective transformation?" Journaling your insights can be a powerful way to bring wisdom, wounds, and wonderings to the surface. There is a new-age belief to “focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.” Yet, there is also the third-dimensional matter of transformation and healing the areas in our lives that are out-of-balance. As much as we would rather focus on what's going right, the "unloved" aspects that are ignored (that which we don't like dealing with/seeing and usually deeply buried by the ego) will begin to form a "cancer" - if necessary - to get our attention, begging loudly for healing. How one deals with cancer is a choice, of course. Since most (if not all) imbalances and dis-ease have emotional, worth-based aspects and beliefs underlying them, it’s important to recognize the unconscious role they play in supporting/feeding a dis-ease so that they can be “uprooted” for transformation, if true healing is to take place. Global healing – just as personal healing – begins with recognizing what needs to be healed, understanding there is dis-ease in the whole (not ignoring it), unearthing the “root causes” or underlying beliefs that supported its growth, then taking "right action" toward transformation. Typically, “right action” for something significantly out-of-balance (like cancer or systemic racism) must happen in a multitude of realms – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual – simultaneously and immediately to be most effective. In other words, prayer or affirmations alone are rarely enough for the "big stuff." At this time, with the masses awakening so quickly, we can focus on strengthening our will to act, as well as to trust in our abilities and true nature. We can know that as we face this painful unearthing of our shadows in the months and years to come – whatever they may be – we will have the courage and fortitude to transform them “for good.” As an intrinsic part of the whole, each of us is being challenged to face our own egos, our own fears, our shadows and shortcomings – not for self-shame or judgment – so we may transform them through the power of Love… in action.  It's clear to everyone we are in an unprecedented time. While some focus on the specifics related to the COVID-19 pandemic, most spiritual teachers are also seeing this as a major launch into our greater global awakening. And, thankfully, those leaders are also offering ways to stay centered, to find the constant amongst the upheaval, and reminding us not get swayed by fear or panic; even including spiritual or practical tools for optimizing wellness.
I am grateful for the healers in my life - the chiropractors, complimentary medicine MDs, acupuncturists and others - who are reaching out and sharing their skilled wisdom about boosting our immune systems during this time, acknowledging the multitude of layers that comprise wellness. Personally, I am doing my part to continue self-care, as it became my foundational life-line after my husband and mom passed away - essentially resting and rebuilding my whole system after a year of being Eric's primary caregiver and allowing my deep grief. In some ways, the "Stay at Home" Order isn't much different from how I had been living these past several years. It is extending that "downtime" but now with my twin daughters home 24/7. I'm not going to give specific "insights" on the origins of COVID-19 or the current pandemic, but did want to share a some of the world-spiritual pictures I see, and ways you can explore it yourself. If it resonates, great. If not, great. No judgement, just perspectives and invitations. When I intuitively look at "dis-ease" in people, I often see the behaviors, emotions or beliefs that may have fed it. Thus, bringing these components to our awareness, and consciously aligning them with higher frequencies, such as unconditional love, joy, worthiness, and self-care, can be a valuable part of our striving for overall wellness. This is not to say that if we don't "fix" what is unconscious we will get sick, nor place blame on anyone who does end up sick or passes away from illness! As we know, coronavirus is a type of virus of which some can cause common colds or mild respiratory illnesses. For most of us, we acknowledge that sometimes we get sick because we were exposed to someone (or something) that had "germs" but we can also often see where our body's vulnerability allowed for the illness - whether we were overtired, not eating well, in an emotional funk, or just plain stressed. This is why most complimentary healers are encouraging us to focus on mental, emotional and spiritual wellness in addition to our physical immunity-boosting efforts. In terms of this global outbreak - and the intensity of COVID-19 - we might ask, "What areas were weak in our collective body that made us so vulnerable to this pandemic?" I invite you to contemplate that, feel into whatever comes and perhaps do some journalling. Ask your own questions, if inspired, allowing for whatever to come to be honored. And, bringing it home (no irony intended) ask, "What areas of my own being need strengthening?" Unless you are an essential worker in this storyline, I assume you have plenty of time for strengthening practices. (And if you are an essential worker, it's imperative to fortify your various bodies as best you can, for sure!) Scanning back from the current situation - and why spiritual leaders view this as a "portal" more or less - we see that we have never been collectively brought to a halt to this degree. Essentially (whether founded on fear or collective care), the world has agreed to "stop." Beautifully, for those of us who aren't sick or impoverished or endangered in our homes, millions and millions of us around the world are resting, rebuilding, reexamining, reprioritizing and reimagining our lives. It's our day-to-day living that impacts the whole. How much time do we spend in quietude? How often do we sit and play with our children or engage in conversations with our loved ones? How many walks can one take with a pet or family member, and actually notice the natural world all around? How can we live a little slower, simpler, softer? We have an incredible opportunity to breathe, to be, to let go, to face our fears, to feel those range of feelings that arise, to connect, and lean into the lives we really want to live. That is not to say it is an easy "Order." The other part I see in this current shift is that this is really just the start of more "pandemics" (or situations) that will hit our collective in significant ways as Life begs us to awaken! This is not to incite fear, or make anyone run out to get more toilet paper, or buy or sell stocks, but rather to shine light upon potentials that are stirring so we can soften into the series of "contractions" rather than fight them in pain and fear. We are birthing some pretty amazing beings in ourselves as well as a whole "New Earth" so it may take a bit of work to do so. Again, I invite you to ask inwardly, "What gifts do I need to cultivate for my own empowerment and joy?" as these are going to help you navigate through what can be perceived as frightening to the ego. Our job is not to rid ourselves of ego, but rather acknowledge and love it - to love our whole selves - as one would a scared and dependent child. You are here on this planet, at this pivotal time, for a reason. You were born with incredible gifts, unimaginable power, with your unique form and personality and presence. And now you've been offered a new playground of time. Allow this time to use you... to fill you up, to inform you.. and paradoxically, to empty you. Allow for exploration and play. Although there are times I get a bit overwhelmed by the density of fear and anxiety in the air, and think about food and paper goods in ways I never have before, I am sincerely excited for what is unfolding. I feel my soul exclaiming, "Finally!" - almost ready to step into my next, expanded role. Whatever that may be. In the words of the Hopi Elders Prophecy, "We are the ones we've been waiting for!" It was two years ago that my husband, Eric, started noticing some strange symptoms. He was feeling weak, and went to the doctor to see what was going on. His initial thought was he had a hernia, since he was having a bit of trouble breathing; though that did not explain the weakness in his arms or legs. With persistence, several doctor visits, and then being hospitalized for a series of tests, he was diagnosed in June of 2017 with ALS - also known as Lou Gerhig's disease. At that appointment, his doctor literally gave him "three years to live." I remember thinking, "Oh! He'll make it to the twins' graduation!" As awful as the instantaneous thought was in response to the prognosis, it was something that anchored me in "hope." But the disease worked much faster on my husband than either of us could have imagined and hope waxed and waned along the way. First, of course, we sought out "alternatives" - not just to potential healing modalities, but to the diagnosis itself! The process of seeking, learning, trying, and receiving was beyond anything we had experienced, as a couple or individuals - and we had been through a lot in our thirty years together! By October of 2017, at Eric's second visit to the ALS Clinic, he was given a Bi-Pap machine to assist with his breathing, and his walking had become so compromised that a custom-designed wheelchair was ordered. By the time he received it in December, he was no longer able to walk, and I had to learn to transfer him from his lifting recliner chair to the wheelchair... and Eric was nearly a foot taller than me! In fact, by December, his health and breathing had declined so rapidly, that we didn't think he was going to make it to his 55th birthday (on 12/21) or Christmas. Yet, he did, and something seemed to stabilize in him, but what or why was never determined. Perhaps it was his motivation to see our youngest daughters through basketball season? Speaking of his wheelchair and basketball season, this was just one area of miracles and kindness we received throughout his illness! As his wheelchair was fully electric and weighed over 400 lbs., plus the fact that he needed a ventilator, it was no longer a matter of me "lift-transferring" him from the wheelchair into the car anymore. We needed a wheelchair accessible vehicle to transport him. Winter grace:
Thus, for the remaining of the basketball season we were able to get to almost all of their games! As well, having the van allowed us to attend Eric's mom's funeral in April, visit the Whole Earth Festival in May and get to a couple of important appointments. It was about a year ago, at one of our twins' games, however, that Eric noticed that my mom looked "yellow." My response to him was, "Everyone looks yellow! We're in a gym under fluorescent lights!" But at the next game, I noticed the yellow-orange tint, too, so I shared my concerns with her. She told me that she had gone to Urgent Care the weekend before, because her urine was brown and she wasn't feeling well, but they had sent her home without a diagnosis or any real testing. Within a few weeks and various tests, her prognosis was also terminal. My mom was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer, and only opted for chemo to slow down the aggressiveness and keep the cancer from getting to her bones. To say I was in shock... well, I'm still in shock and she's been gone six months now! As Eric's disease was progressing, my caregiving - which had become full time - had increased tenfold. I was no longer lift-transferring; instead using an electric Hoyer lift to get him from the hospital bed in our living room to his wheelchair, which - after basketball season ended - had become only an occasional transfer. Sitting in his wheelchair was painful no matter which position we adjusted him to, and Eric had a hard time breathing it in despite the ventilator. His needs were so great that attending to my mom was nearly out of the question, although I was able to take her to a couple of her appointments. Thankfully, her decades-long friend had turned his two-week visit (which happened to be at the time of her diagnosis) into a long-term stay, which was a major blessing. As well, our twins spent a couple nights a week at her home as they finished up their sophomore year and attended basketball camp. Plus, a good friend became my mom's other chemo appointment driver and a huge medical advocate for her. I jokingly have said that "Eric and my mom were so competitive that they even turned their deaths into a competition!" My mom, who had decided to give up chemo since it was causing so much nausea and discomfort, elected to go on to hospice on July 11, 2018. Her pain was so great that she ended up in the hospital that following Saturday, staying overnight and being sent home with more morphine - even though it had not been working! On July 18, my husband decided to go onto hospice - his breathing had become so difficult that he had almost choked in the middle of the night, scaring both of us and prompting the decision. He was declining rapidly, so we had our older two come home to say their goodbyes. That Sunday, my mom went back into the hospital, as her pain would not cease. Again, my dear friend attended her side, and continued to act as her advocate. My husband was down to his last days, and my mom was now being told she - too - was likely down to her last week or two. I couldn't believe it, nor could I leave my husband's side. My husband died, and I will say a "peaceful death" with the support of a little morphine and a lot of love from family and friends, on July 24. The next day we had his viewing at our home. The day after that, my friend - still at my mom's side - called me and said it was time to come be with my mom. My three daughters and I drove to the hospital, where I spent one night in a bed next to hers before bringing her to my home on July 27. She passed away - also peacefully - a week later on August 3. The pain and shock are surreal at times. My mom and my husband were my foundations, my rocks. No one has ever understood me or loved me as they have, and I am grieving deeply at their loss. Our younger two daughters and I each have attended closed bereavement groups, which have helped us with some of the process, but we still have a long way to go. This story - clearly - is just a snippet of our past two years. Each excruciating day was long and cherished, yet it all went by so quickly. I've been in a fog through much of it, yet the moments of connection - of pure shared Love - are still clear. The heaviness has been more than I thought I could bear, but somehow I'm doing it. Crying helps. Friends help. Our children help. I couldn't have imagined losing my husband so early (he was just 55) let alone losing my young mom (she was only 68) the very same year, within weeks of one another. And, what's more incredible is how friends and strangers leaned in so tightly that we were held in Love and Generosity throughout the process. So in addition to the gestures of kindnesses that I've already mentioned, I'd like to conclude this chronicle with the other amazing ways our family was supported during this immensely challenging time:
Having lost my mom so soon after losing Eric, I have barely touched on that grief nor have I yet planned a service for her. She elected to donate her body to UC Davis School of Medicine, and in September they held a Memorial for all donors, which was a nice way to touch in and slightly process her death while honoring her in a small way. Yet, as an interfaith ordained minister who wrote her thesis on Sacred Ceremony, I want to truly honor her with a ceremony that's as eclectic and reverent as she deserves. In time, I shall. And, just as I helped compose for my husband a memorial video (which I share here) I would like to create a music video in her honor, too... but, again, that will happen in time. And, I know I have many amazing people who are willing to support me in this next endeavor - or whatever I need, whenever I trust Life enough to reach out for help. All for which I am beyond grateful, in spite of the grief.  by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div.
Recovering addicts who attend Twelve-Step meetings frequently dramatically change their lives. What makes “The Program” so effective? A group of people all facing the same challenges, who meet and share their experiences without judgment or comment is an extraordinarily safe space that encourages reflection and self-examination, and provides a supportive environment for experiments with change. There are many reasons for the success of 12-Step programs. One critical element is the many tools shared among addicts. Some of the tools we explore are: Meetings
Sharing Stories
Slogans
Sponsors
There are many tools available at a Twelve-Step program, and every member has their own favorites. This is a short overview of some of the tools addicts use to change their lives. There are 12-Step meetings for nearly any addiction, and they are all free, confidential, and powerful! If one deals with your struggle - welcome!  by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div. In 1972, the film “Man of La Mancha” was released, telling the story of the very nearsighted Don Quixote (played by Peter O’Toole), who mistakes windmills for attacking giants and renames a local tavern prostitute, Aldonza, (played by the gorgeous Sophia Loren) his “Lady Dulcinea.” Don Quixote’s theme song is “The Impossible Dream” and he sees the world through his own rose-colored (and slightly blind) glasses. At first Aldonza goes along with his madness, but following her abduction and rape by a band of muleteers, she doesn’t want to play anymore. In the song “Aldonza” she screams her frustration at not being seen for who she is. It is easy to empathize with her rage. Every woman has felt the insult of being perceived just as some man wants her to be, rather than who she really is. Our sense of identity is strongly tied to outside validation – we need others to confirm our self-image. Aldonza fought hard all her life to find the power to claim herself, to make her way in a world that uses and abuses her. She built up an impregnable wall of attitude. And it worked! Aldonza is self-sufficient, she chooses by whom and how she is used. She has earned her independence. Aldonza learned to survive in a hostile world. She cannot be hurt, because she doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. Like many survivors, her anger is her armor. Aldonza has a clear, unsentimental view of who and what she is. She has no illusions, and few (or no) dreams. When Quixote first appeared, he made her see a different possible life, and she was temporarily drawn in to thinking she could fit in his dream world. She momentarily tasted idealism. Finally, though, Quixote’s “gentle insanity” offers only despair, and leaves her defenseless. Those of us who are also survivors know just how deadly that is! Therefore, we sat and nodded at her song, and wondered what is wrong with this old man who refuses to grant her the respect she deserves for her unlikely survival. We joined in her fury and outrage, and remembered all the times our own reality has been denied, how often we were misjudged and overlooked. And we sobbed with her. Don Quixote: My lady... Aldonza: I am not your lady!... However, there is more to this projection than a man who decides who a woman “really” is. Quixote is an archetype, as is Aldonza. Aldonza is every human, the soul walking the earth learning to survive by any means possible. She is the unquenchable fire of life, the will to survive, the essence of the survivor. Quixote is Idealism personified. He sees life as it should be, and chooses to live in his dreams of glory, of honor, of the Impossible Dream. His reason for being is not merely survival, but ”to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause.” Don Quixote: And still thou art my lady. Aldonza: And still he torments me! Quixote is the manifestation of Spirit, the Goddess, the Creator; and He sees Aldonza’s True Self – the Child created and loved by the Divine, to whom no amount of earthly refuse can ever soil! Aldonza wastes her time proclaiming she is “the most casual bride of the murdering scum of the earth” – because Spirit knows she is really “My Lady” – and He refuses to accept her self-loathing as valid. He insists on seeing the innocent, beautiful, pure child who dwells in each of us. Aldonza: Take the clouds from your eyes Don Quixote: Now and forever thou art my lady Dulcinea! Spirit ignores “the kitchen slut reeking of sweat” and sees only and always Dulcinea – the noble lady who bears his standard, who doesn’t need to do anything to earn his undying devotion. For each of us is Dulcinea, and Spirit will not be evaded – Spirit sets His Hound of Heaven on us, and will not stop until we surrender to His love. In God’s eye, each of us is the epitome of beauty, of grace, of noble bearing and the essence of chivalry. Our soul is the prize that God demands, and pursues with irresistible tenacity. There is nothing we can do to change His view of us, we will never convince Him that we are ”no one, I’m nothing, I’m only Aldonza, the whore.” That sense of being watched, that hot breath on our neck? That is the Eye of God, always watching us; that is the breath of the Hound of Heaven, hot on our trail, determined to capture us and return us to the loving arms of God. And with Aldonza, our habitual recourse is to scream in frustration. But we might just as well give up – be still - and let Spirit love us! This is my quest
To follow that star Ooh, no matter how hopeless No matter how far To fight for the right Without question or pause To be willing to march, march into hell For that heavenly cause ~The Impossible Dream  by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div.
Recently the Catholic Church named Mother Teresa a saint. She met all the Church’s criteria for sainthood, including having performed several miracles. How could anyone find that appalling? Aside from whether she was a good person (there are strong arguments that she was not, but instead denied pain killers to people because she thought “suffering was Christ-like”!), there is an argument that any miracle proves that God is not good! He was a “born-again Christian” happily driving along the freeway on a hot day, when his car suddenly stopped. As a man of faith, he pulled to the side of the road, jumped out of the car, knelt in the dirt on the shoulder, and prayed. Ten minutes later he got back in his car – and it started right up! “A miracle!,” he proclaimed to his atheist sister, “This is proof that God exists and answers prayers!” His sister asked, “How many children died during that ten minutes? How many women were raped? How many people got terminal diagnoses? What was wrong with their prayers, that it was better for God to play auto-mechanic for you than to save them?” The attributes of God that form the basis of a philosophy of religion paradox are:
If God hates the evil but cannot stop it, He is not all powerful. If God is all powerful but doesn’t interfere, then God is not all good. One attempt to answer this paradox relies on the argument that we mere mortals cannot understand the Mind of God – that what we see as evil is not really evil. So after we open all the jails (where evil people are punished) we can eliminate all laws, and trust that God will not allow evil! If we object to eliminating laws and letting criminals run free, then we really don’t believe that God, in His Omniscience, sees evil more clearly as some ultimate good. This paradox led many idealists to Eastern religions, where the concept of Karma seemed to restore virtue – people suffer evil because of past-life decisions and actions! Of course, the concept of punishing and tormenting an infant because of something they must have done in another body, in another time and place, that they cannot remember, also appears to be evil! What is a miracle? According to the Oxford English Dictionary, a miracle is “an extraordinary and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore attributed to a divine agency.” So this says a miracle is always good and that it breaks natural and scientific laws. Miracles certainly demonstrate that God is all powerful – He can suspend the laws of nature and science in order to make someone happy! But what does a miracle say about God’s goodness? Here, we enter the rabbit’s hole of circular definitions! The Oxford dictionary defines goodness as “the quality of being morally good or virtuous.” And virtuous is “conforming to moral and ethical principles; morally excellent; upright.” Ethical means “pertaining to or dealing with morals or the principles of morality; pertaining to right and wrong in conduct, or 2) being in accordance with the rules or standards for right conduct or practice.” How can a good God choose who deserves to have the laws of Nature broken? Does that mean that everyone else praying for a miracle is unworthy? Or is God choosing at random, ignoring the value of the person praying? Does such a random choice “conform to rules of right conduct?" Every time God breaks the rules to save one person, He is ignoring millions of innocents who are diligently praying for relief. Saying God performs (or allows) miracles is a claim that God is not good, but instead uses no criteria in selecting who gets the benefits of miracles, that miracles are simply gratuitous and certainly unwarranted. And again, such a random God is no longer all good. If God is all good, there can be no miracles. (Still no explanation for why evil exists, unfortunately!)  by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div. Newly ordained ministers are warned to never listen to the comments at the end of a service. After delivering a sermon, the Minister stands at the door of the sanctuary and says goodbye to the congregation, and is frequently complimented on the vital, life-changing content of the sermon! Sometimes, they are told what significant points they missed, or how off the mark they were. In any case, the warning is to recognize that the praise or complaints are NOT directed to them, but to the projection of the Divine the congregant is addressing. It’s actually easy to shake off complaints. We are taught from an early age that “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” And ignoring the obvious untruth of the ditty, (yes, words can do incredible damage) we are regularly encouraged to let criticism slide off. We at least learn to conceal our pain under a “thick skin” and are taught not to be so sensitive. Learning to let go of compliments is much harder! We all want to be a force for good, and recognition of our victories is sweet. The only ones taught to reject – or deflect – praise seems to be gospel singers (finger pointing up, “all praise to God”), black sports stars from majority-black churches (“I thank the Lord who gives me everything”), and some followers of eastern Gurus (accepting an award with “for God and Guru”)! The trend to encourage self-respect fuels the addiction to approval and praise, as do our electronic devices! We are taught not to deflect praise (oh, this old thing?) but to accept and welcome compliments with a sincere “thank you”. While this approach may be good for self-esteem, it draws us deeper into addiction to other’s opinion. In twelve-step programs, a powerful slogan is “What you think of me is none of my business” – meant to break the bonds of people-pleasing that is so much a part of addiction. A recent report says that people even check their cell phones while in church to see if there are new “likes” for their page, post, or video. It is evident why negative feedback or judgments are harmful, and chasing approval leads to loss of self and weakness. But what in the world is wrong with learning to accept compliments? How can admiration be a bad thing? There is nothing in the universe quite so seductive as adoration! Look at all the fallen idols who succumb to the siren call of admiration – politicians, spiritual leaders, teachers, — in fact – the entire gamut of helpers. The urge to make things better is a doorway to “believing your PR” – where the helper becomes enamored with their own success in making the world a better place. Surrounded by admiration, the idealist becomes a target for manipulation, a mark for every con-artist appealing to ego! It is just a small step from teacher, to guru, to higher power! How does one avoid the traps of praise and blame? Once again, twelve step programs offer a path. From the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous: “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crops up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code." - A.A. Big Book, p. 84
 by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div. Ministers in New Age Spiritual Centers are familiar with the visits of “seekers” – people who spend their weekends visiting churches and centers, looking for the perfect teacher, the right teaching, the best spiritual practice. They won’t “settle” for just any place, but relentlessly travel and do comparison shopping among all the spiritual goods on display. Jack Kornfield, a Buddhist teacher, wrote: "Spiritual transformation is a profound process that doesn’t happen by accident. We need a repeated discipline, a genuine training, in order to let go of our old habits of mind and to find and sustain a new way of seeing. To mature on the spiritual path, we need to commit ourselves in a systematic way. My teacher Achaan Chah described this commitment as “taking the one seat." He goes on: “Achaan Chah’s description is both literal and metaphorical, and his image of taking the one seat describes two related aspects of spiritual work. Outwardly, it means selecting one practice and teacher among all of the possibilities, and inwardly, it means having the determination to stick with that practice through whatever difficulties and doubts arise until you have come to true clarity and understanding.” (“Take the One Seat” - Jack Kornfield, Tricycle, Summer 1993) Advancement on a spiritual path requires that you let go of the role of “seeker” and embrace being a disciple. Instead of searching for a perfect teacher, the work begins when one sits down and says, with the old Civil Rights anthem, “I will not be moved." There are teachers everywhere, and prospective students can spend a lifetime looking – or can sit down and choose to actually begin a practice that will lead to connection with the Divine. Finding the right place and teacher are important, but never more important than beginning to practice.
Find a space and teacher that:
Of course, there are cults and those who would abuse your trust. Run away from a place or teacher that:
In Buddhism these principles are stated as the three refuges: “I take refuge in the Buddha (the teacher) the Dharma (the teachings), and the Sangha (the community).” When all three are in place, spiritual practice and growth are supported and become possible. The Teacher (Buddha) is ideally someone who lives the teachings in daily life. Avoid the trap of searching for the Buddha himself – remember the Buddhist adage, “if you meet the Buddha on the road, KILL HIM!” The Buddha is long gone, and anyone claiming to be him is an imposter, trying to take advantage of your spiritual longings. Commit to a teacher with integrity, experience, and love of spiritual practice. If the Teachings (Dharma) are some you are familiar with already, fine. If you must learn a new structure, names, titles, name for the Divine – that can be fun, and offer a whole different experience of spiritual work! There may be a sense of “coming home” when the message resonates at a deep level. There is no one “right” path for everyone – explore enough to find the one that feeds your soul, make a commitment, and SHOW UP! The Community (Sangha) is where discipleship grows. In the community, there are many teachers, examples of life lived well, and people to offer support and guidance through the weeds. The community provides new friendships, partners, role models and help. Most of all, the community is a refuge, a place to find comfort when life brings pain and despair. Becoming a disciple is more emotion than logic! The soul recognizes its home, and breathes a sigh of relief when the resting place appears. The guidelines for making a selection are simple and easily met, and to begin does NOT require a long study – though proficiency certainly will require mental effort and courage. Expect to encounter doubt, confusion, and disappointment. The journey is long and never easy, though it is joyful and satisfying – and in the end, the entire reason for this visit to Earth! by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div. Donald Trump was inaugurated as President of the United States! What shall we tell our children about this? Members of the ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) Anonymous 12-Step Program spend much of their meeting time talking about their lifelong fight to discern reality; to discover the truth underlying all the “white lies” they were fed as children: Mommy’s tired and that’s why she’s sleeping; Daddy hit you because you are bad. Reclaiming reality is an important part of recovery, even when painful (no, mommy sleeps all the time and daddy hits you because they are drunks!) Children instinctively know when they hear lies. They see that the truth is hidden, and they are driven to discover it. And when they do find it, they are not nearly as damaged by the ugly truth as they are by the pretty lies! So, the answer must be, we tell the children the truth! She was 12 in 1978, the year the Briggs Initiative was on the ballot in California. Sleepy and grumpy, she asked her mother at the end of another meeting planning ways to defeat the homophobic initiative, “Why do you care? You aren’t gay, and even if you were, you aren’t a teacher, so why do you care about this?” (The Briggs Initiative would require that gay teachers be fired.) When her mother explained the reasons for her activism, the child painstakingly wrote in calligraphy the answer and posted it on her bedroom wall. Her mother explained with this quote from Martin Niemoller: “First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out-Because I was not a Socialist. Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out- Because I was not a Trade Unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out- Because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me-and there was no one left to speak for me.” Many years later, her twin teen-aged daughters told their grandmother, “Our friend’s grandparents voted for Trump.” Grandma (she of the quote) said, “I’m so very sorry for your friend that her grandparents are racists." They replied, “No, they aren’t racist, they are just old.” Grandma replied, “Ruth Bader Ginsberg is old. I’m old. People who vote for someone who despises women and Muslims are not old – when they knowingly cast their precious ballot for an avowed racist – they are racists. Now is your time to show the courage of the suffragettes, the Underground Railroad heroes, the Civil Rights marchers who ended segregation. This is your time to fight evil and to have the courage to stand up for your beliefs. Wear a safety pin and promise you will always stand up for the rights and dignity of vulnerable people.”  The twins returned to school and talked to their friends. They decided they wanted to work for women’s and human rights. See the Women’s March in Sacramento? There they are, marching with their classmates, wearing the “pussy hats” they knitted. What shall we tell the children? We shall tell them that this man full of hate was NOT elected by anywhere near a majority of people in this country, so they needn’t be consumed with fear. We shall explain that he is only in the White House because of a law passed long ago, during slavery, designed to give extra power to the slave-owning states. Assure them that we, the decent people who are the majority in this country, are even now working to put a fair system in place, so we will never again be ruled by someone who appeals only to the hatred of a few. Point to how the entire country has become more loving and accepting, and explain that this “president” is an anomaly!
 by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div. Is God male or female? Is God good or evil? Is God judgmental or accepting? If there is an answer to any of these questions, then God is “with qualities.” That is, God is a being with qualities, just like any other being on earth. This God, one “with qualities,” is very comforting. One can find pictures of this God, tell stories of God’s wrath or forgiveness, and in general, can relate to God like one relates to any famous entity. Like us, God gets dressed in the morning, controls His temper (or doesn’t) and feels anger and sadness. This God can look like “me”! There is another concept of God that says that the questions above have no answers. In fact, they make no sense! In that version, God has no qualities–and male, female, good, evil, judgmental and accepting, are all qualities. The God with no qualities is much harder to worship. Praying to a God with no qualities really makes no sense, since most prayers are appeals to some perceived quality of God (mercy, fairness, justice, omnipotence). No statues or pictures are possible. The God without qualities appeals to cerebral types–people who are intrigued by an idea of God that insists on mind-bending thinking! How can one create an altar to a God without qualities, and should one? Does the need for worship also go away when the qualities disappear? Do we worship to make ourselves happy, or God? A God without qualities will not care, so worship becomes a purely self-satisfying process, much like appreciating a lovely landscape. The land gains nothing from our appreciation, but we feel uplifted by the act of recognition and honor. The advantages of choosing a God with qualities are evident. One can select a God who shares many of our same qualities (sex, race, appearance) and thereby we understand our own proximity to the Divine. We can seek comfort from a merciful, all-knowing, and ever-present God, and turn to this God in times of stress and disaster. We can even be angry with such a God, and rail against Its mistakes and cruelty. It is much harder to find the payoffs in choosing a God without qualities. With no worship, no prayer, no intervention, God becomes an It, distant and uninterested. One may wonder why we need such a God! This God can be a useful “first cause” who started the universe, created the laws of nature, and in some way, keeps the whole ‘world thing’ going. This God demands that we accept responsibility, define our own ethics and morality, and recognize our desire to impose meaning and value on nature. We claim all religious activities as simply rituals invented to make ourselves happy. We must release our hopes of an afterlife spent in the company of a loving God. In fact, we must release the loving God! Those who choose a God without qualities say that this “is” provides comfort of a different kind. There is comfort in being a co-creator, an active participant in creating a morality that is chosen for rational reasons, rather than one that was inherited. There is power in the choice to live without the comfort of an all-powerful being. There is pleasure in assigning meaning, rather than discovering it. Releasing the God with qualities creates a freedom that is new. Of course, it also demands intellectual rigor to examine and decide to accept or reject virtually all inherited and learned beliefs!
by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div. Our calendar of holidays is derived from a long history of Pagan Holy Days, celebrating the movement of the earth around the sun every year. In the USA, many holidays were given a thin veneer of Christian folklore to cover and hide the original, earth-centered celebrations.  We begin with the Pagan New Year, Samhain (pronounced sow-win), the time when the veils between the worlds were thinnest, and loved ones who had crossed over could visit this plane. Thus, the tradition of giving treats to people disguised as visitors from the other side when they come around to “trick-or-treat.” Now the Goddess ages into the Crone – hence the popularity of the “witch” disguise! This holiday is still celebrated on October 31; the Christian story is that the celebration was leading up to All Saints Day, so it was re-named All Hallows Eve – Halloween.
Soon comes the Winter Solstice, celebrated as Yule by our Celtic ancestors (and under many other names around the world). Because this was such a well-loved holy day, the Christians moved their celebration of Jesus’ birth to coincide with the well-established revelry (ignoring the notion that Jesus was most likely born in October). This is also the rebirth of the Goddess, as the earth enters slumber. Next is Imbolc, the holiday of re-dedication. In many modern Wicca circles, we welcome and initiate new members. Naturally, Christians also adopted Brigid’s celebration and gave it to the only “goddess” they recognize. Candlemas is a Christian holiday celebrated annually on February 2. It celebrates three occasions according to Christian belief: the presentation of the child Jesus; Jesus' first entry into the temple; and it celebrates the Virgin Mary's purification (mainly in Catholic churches). As the year progresses, and the Goddess born at Yule ages to become the Maiden, we come to the Spring Equinox, or the first day of spring. The holy day Ostara is renamed Easter, and celebrates the death and revival of the God – also seen as the return of Kore, the maiden who would be revered as Persephone, queen of Hades. All the traditional icons of spring’s fecundity are somehow added to the Christian celebration of death and resurrection, so lambs, eggs, and bunnies are everywhere! Next is Beltane, which our modern world calls May Day. Beltane is the ceremony of joining – a time to “leap the fire” and run off to the woods with the beloved. Beltane babies are a gift of the Goddess, and no father need be named. There does not seem to be much current Christian celebration, though Waldorf schools retain the European May Pole dance in celebration of spring. At Summer Solstice, Litha, the Goddess is now the Mother – it is the time for nurturing and fertilizing all the dreams of spring. This is the time to buckle down and work to grow the crops planted. Traditionally there was a midsummer’s celebration, but it seems to have gotten misplaced! Perhaps Father’s Day is the new midsummer? Next is Lammas (or Lughnasada, games of Lugh in the Celtic calendar), the first of the three harvest festivals. It is perhaps honored in the west as Labor Day, but there are few traditions other than picnics to mark the end of vacation. Wiccans mark the holiday by baking a figure of the god in bread and eating it, to symbolize the sanctity and importance of the harvest. The name Lammas (contraction of loaf mass) implies it is an agrarian-based festival and feast of thanksgiving for grain and bread, which symbolizes the first fruits of the harvest. Mabon is celebrated at the Autumn Equinox, the second of the harvest festivals. Wikipedia says that the name Mabon was coined by Aidan Kelly around 1970 as a reference to Mabon ap Modron, a character from Welsh mythology. But this is a much older holy day! There is little in the modern calendar, though children at Waldorf schools celebrate Michaelmas, the Catholic feast of the Archangel Michael, with an exciting play where Archangel Michael (mick – ay – ell) defeats the dragon and saves the countryside. Perhaps this also came to us as Thanksgiving, a festival of thankfulness for the gifts of the harvest. And so we return to Samhain – the end and the beginning. Without our pagan roots, we would have a far less interesting year – and fewer long weekends! The dictionary explains the word Pagan as: late Middle English: from Latin paganus ‘villager, rustic,’ from pagus ‘country district.’ Latin paganus also meant ‘civilian,’ becoming, in Christian Latin, ‘heathen’ (i.e., one not enrolled in the army of Christ). All of us rustic Villagers who refuse to join the army spend our time celebrating the cycle of the year! 
by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div.
There is a single word we can – and often do – use to make ourselves miserable. This word makes one unhappy with a life, a spouse, a job, a daily routine – in fact, with everything it touches. If we are determined to be miserable all the days of our lives, we can sprinkle this word liberally in all our thoughts, plans, and reactions! The powerful word to destroy our happiness? SHOULD. In 12-step programs, this is called “should-y thinking.” SHOULD acts as instant short hand to reject everything in life, to judge life as lacking and insufficient. The following chart gives some examples of how it does its magic:
SHOULD works to instantly rob every victory of sweetness, to sour every moment. Entire books have been written on the power of gratitude, but they could all be summed up as “Stop SHOULDING on yourself!”
One woman was determined to change her spoken words to support a joy-filled life. She adopted “Cancel” as the cue that should-y thinking was present. If an inadvertent SHOULD slithered into her speech, she would instantly exclaim “Cancel! Cancel!” And express her gratitude for some aspect of the situation. See how this approach can change a day, an experience, a life:
Should-y thinking has great power to destroy. Look back on every moment of disappointment, despair, pain and anger – and find the “should-y” thinking at the root. Pollyanna had a point – her elimination of “should” made a life of joy and grace possible.
Current research on chronic pain shows that pain originates in the brain, and must be controlled from there if there is to be relief. Therefore, the current treatment is to teach that “what you resist persists” and that pain can be reduced and borne only by rejecting should-y thinking, and learning to work with the pain, rather than engaging in a constant war with the body and brain! All those old sayings in 12-step programs are now being proved by scientific brain scans and experimentation! Science now says you can put the opioids down and go back to the mindfulness meditation classes -- and be happy! Source material:
 by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div.
In the Wicca (or Pagan) calendar, the year is divided by eight Sabbats, or holidays (Holy Days) marked by the earth’s journey around the sun. Summer solstice 2017 in the northern hemisphere will be at 9:24 PM on Tuesday, June 20 and marks the first day of summer. The days have been growing longer (more daylight) ever since the winter solstice on December 21. On the solstice the time of light and dark are equal (at the equator) and now we begin the journey into darkness, with each day having less daylight. This is the beginning of the time of growing, which will lead to the harvests to be celebrated in August, September, and October. At the spring equinox we were invited to make resolutions, to decide what dreams to pursue in the coming year. Now is the time to do the work of nurturing and feeding those dreams. Summer is the time to attend classes, learn a new skill, do the tiring work necessary to pursue dreams. If your goal in spring was to change careers, now is the time to acquire the skills and training needed, to apply for jobs, to take the risk of ending an unsuitable job or unfulfilling work. If the goal was to form a new love relationship, now is the time to sign up on dating sites, visit places to meet a new interest, and clear out all the old aces-in-the-hole that stand in the way of your availability. This is the time to develop patience. Just as the gardener doesn’t pull up new plants to check on their growth, we must simply do the work, and stop the constant measuring and evaluating that are so much a part of our training. Summer’s work is difficult, frightening, and tests your resolve. It is the time for the leap of faith, of taking chances and living your dreams. It is time for the work of planting and fertilizing, of watering and waiting. It is the very epitome of faith and hope; acting without knowing, and acting as if all your dreams are promised. There are no promises. All the work you have done to date – researching possible choices, learning more about yourself, then deciding on a path – may lead to a dead end of despair. When the harvest festivals of autumn arrive, you will take stock, and discover then whether your work has borne fruit. Sometimes, no crop comes in. It is hard to let that be okay! The challenge is not really to set a goal and accomplish it, but to understand when a goal is not really for you, to recognize a wrong path, to do the work and then to let go of the old goal. Standing in a field, with sweat rolling off you in rivers, only you can decide if you have chosen a false path, and only you can dig for the courage to start walking a new path. We are never alone at this crucial decision point. The Goddess is with us, holding us as we wrestle with the desire to continue on the wrong path, to avoid wasting the years of preparation. The Goddess - and our highest selves - stand just around the bend, beckoning us to attempt one more journey. The angels cheer when we admit defeat and, as the song says, “pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.” All the experiences of “failure” will provide wonderful stories, better judgement, experience and wisdom. Rita Mae Brown said, “Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment." Summer is the time to focus on building good judgment!  Part of our spiritual evolution is releasing old patterns, which can include our sense of identity. Sometimes this is done with very conscious work, other times - like losing a loved one - it can happen unexpectedly. Unlike losing a loved one, we may not actually be able to pinpoint why we feel as if we've lost something or someone. Whether we do our ego-dissolving work with consciousness, or things simply shift on their own, we may encounter strange sensations that could be easily described as grief.
But then we might feel bad about those feelings - or ourselves. One of the most insidious teachings in the New Thought movement is the "be positive" mantra. Our emotions are indicators, not to be ignored or suppressed. Nor are they to be controlling every aspect of our lives. Grieving is a normal process when something we love or hold close to us is lost. Even when we buy a new home, we may grieve for the home we are leaving. If grief is arising for you here are some ways to be with it:
It is quite intense out there! We are so raw, so naked, and so ready to experience ourselves in our exquisite heart-centered tenderness and this is merely part of the unveiling.  by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div. Twenty-five (or so) years ago, there was an attraction at Disneyland in Southern California. It was not a ride, but an experiential movie. Guests entered a large, dark, cool room, where a movie projected high on the walls of the circular room. It was a popular way to escape the torments of the afternoon Los Angeles sun. The movie was a journey through China including visits to the Great Wall, the Forbidden City, and a climb up to the tiny country of Tibet. The narrator said, “Tibet is a small country, where there are 10,000 rooms and 100,000 altars.” Wait! What? Back up! 100,000 altars in 10,000 rooms? That means there are ten alters in every room! What does that even mean? How can that be possible? An altar is: “An altar is any structure upon which offerings such as sacrifices are made for religious purposes. We find altars at shrines, and they can be in temples, churches, and other places of worship. Today they are used particularly in Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Shinto, Taoism, as well as in Neopaganism and Ceremonial Magic. Judaism used such a structure until the destruction of the Second Temple. Many historical faiths also made use of them, including Greek and Norse religion.” (Wikipedia) An altar in the home is common to many spiritual traditions. But–ten per room? First, we must broaden the definition of altar to include any space set aside for purposes of worship, containing some object that brings the divine to mind. This would make any picture, statue, or scroll containing a likeness of a deity an altar. This is much more doable, but it is still a lot of statues, pictures, and scraps of prayers scattered around every room. Assuming this is possible, what would be the purpose of filling every room with images of the divine? Remember that Tibet practices Buddhism, the religious tradition that gave us mindfulness meditation. The purpose is to keep the Sacred at the top of mind always, to make every act a prayer, every word a song of praise. From this perspective, it is useful indeed to make every place the eye may fall a reminder of the divine. For earth-centered religions, every walk in Nature surrounds us by the deity, encircling us in the Presence of the Creator. A medieval book talks of “Practicing the Presence of God” as a spiritual practice. In Tibet, practicing the presence becomes an integral part of life. There is no place where God is absent, forgotten, or ignored. (http://thepracticeofthepresenceofgod.com/onlinetext/ ) We can join Tibet in filling our homes with reminders of the divine. There is an online store that provides statues of many deities, crafted often of the mud of the Ganges River in India. (http://www.sacredsource.com/) If you aren’t feeling so ecumenical, most churches offer statues, religious symbols, or books you can bring into your space to honor and remember the sacred. Surrounding oneself with the divine may not allow you to levitate (like Brother Lawrence is said to have done), but it is certain to bring your mind back to the divine at unexpected times. We encourage mindfulness practice to manage pain, improve relationships, and make living with others more comfortable. Keeping our mind constantly focused on the divine becomes a way of life in which we constantly acknowledge our own divine nature, and give free rein in our every action. It is a method to walk in the footsteps of our God, to live as though you are in the presence of the angels, and to treat every person as a temple of the divine.
 by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div. She sat on a chair in the college psychology professor’s office, talking about how badly she was being treated by her boyfriend. When she stopped venting, he stared at her and finally said “You are a psych major, right?” She nodded the affirmation, and waited to hear the special help he would offer. He said, “I follow the GOYA school of psychology”. Confused, she stammered “I’m not familiar with that – is it kind of like surrealist, for the artist?” (She wasn’t an art major). He said, “No – it means get off your ass! If you don’t like where you are – move! If you are in pain because you are sitting on a pin – Get Off Your Ass!” He didn’t mean to dispense spiritual advice, but that is what he gave. In many situations, we don’t need therapy or a guru – we just need to follow the GOYA school. Hate your job? Cannot recapture love with your spouse? Need friends? Weigh too much? Dreams out of reach? Want to start a business? Try the GOYA school. Maintaining the motivation to continue is a huge barrier to those who sign up with the GOYA school. Find one friend who also wants to make significant changes – and meet at least weekly to report on progress and identify next actions. It is amazing how far you can travel in a week if there is accountability at the end! So how does the GOYA school work?
Therapy is useful, and a therapist could act as the partner, though recruiting a reliable friend with a similar bad habit or goal is much cheaper. The spiritual element is to take charge of personal changes, to set a goal to improve your life on this planet, then act every week to achieve your goals. This is the essence of spiritual progress, and an effective way to build self-reliance and self-respect. There is no achievement sweeter than recognizing and overcoming a stuck place in your journey. Everyone, at some point, gets bogged down in the swamps of despair, fear, anger, and conformity. Pulling yourself out of the sucking mud is a heroic task, with the ever-constant urge to give up and fall back! But what is the spiritual element of the GOYA school? How was this spiritual advice? The goal of any spiritual path is transcendence – becoming the best possible you. Some spiritual traditions offer a single lifetime in which to achieve self-knowledge and a spiritually aware life. Others teach that when a soul incarnates, it chooses a set of challenges to meet – and overcome – in the upcoming life. It also carries the “seeds” of past choices – or karma – that rides along to offer “learning” from experience. Of course, no situation is truly the same as those of the past, so old knowledge often fails to resolve the current challenge. In either tradition, when confronted with seemingly impossible obstacles, the soul freezes, waiting for an epiphany or flash of insight to provide salvation, sitting in the pain and crying out in frustration and terror.
 by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div. We call her Mother Earth, and for millennia She was our Goddess, our Mother, our center. Then the patriarchal revolution replaced Her with their sky gods and relegated her to the position of handmaiden. But still, in every corner of the world, her worship continues. Women in city apartments gather in her name. Rural communities invoke her blessing when planting season arrives. And, in virtually every community disconnected from our modern world, her devotees sing her praises. She is the Lady of Guadalupe, the Goddess in the Moon, the Virgin Mother, the comfort of the afflicted. In a sweat lodge, we sit in her womb to pray and ask Great Spirit to bless us. On a vision quest, she is the one to whom we cry for a vision, she is the ruler of the Dreamtime, and the seer. She is the First Creator we learn to worship, and our souls cry to return to her arms! It is hard today to find Circle of Goddess worshipers, but there are pockets. There are some from Christianity who splintered to focus on the Marys. From Wicca (the ancient pagan beliefs of the Celts), spring the Dianic groups of today, a feminist version of Wicca made popular in the late 1900s. Native American tradition venerates White Buffalo Calf Woman, and the Australian Dreamtime looks to the Feminine. The most effective way to engage in Goddess-centered spirituality is to create a coven and begin holding ceremonies. Find a group of women, buy a book (Goddess Connections: Goddess rituals for the modern priestess by Tara Reynolds, or The Goddess Celebrates by Diane Stein). Decide on some ground rules: How often to meet, where and when, how to invite new people, is this a women-only group, will food be part of the ritual, who will create the rituals, (a high-priestess or a rotation among members). For example, one group had these rules:
This group started with only two women (each one invited one or more), continued meeting for over a decade, and the members stayed close for life. The shared devotion to the Feminine Principle was a new, fulfilling spirituality that also supported growth and change. It provided a gateway to a permanent connection to the divine. Rotating the role of high priestess meant that each woman, in turn, embodied the Divine Feminine. Each claimed responsibility for the group’s connection to the Goddess and explored the many possible ways to worship. Turning to the Great Goddess is an eminently feminist spiritual practice. It is one that leads naturally to raising children who respect and honor the feminine, who believe in their divine nature, and thus independently select a personal spirituality. Welcoming the return of the mother reclaims the inner warrior, the proud, courageous Aphrodite and Diana in every woman, and recognizes the divine aspect of every moment of life.
 by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div.
Spring is about to arrive in the northern hemisphere! The spring equinox is one of the eight Sabbats, or festivals in the annual calendar, used by many Pagan groups (both Equinoxes and Solstices, plus each halfway point between them). It ends the time of slumber during the winter. Spring is the season for planting all that you want to nurture in the coming year. Spring equinox arrives at 3:28 AM on Monday, March 20, 2017 for those on Pacific Time. This festival is traditionally used to set intentions and begin the process of new growth. It honors the return of the Maiden Goddess Kore (Persephone, in the Greek myth of the lovely girl kidnapped to be the Queen of Hades). It is the time to celebrate innocence, freedom, and to decide on the year’s projects. Because of the “awakening from the dead” aspect, it is the time of Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection. Celebrations emphasize fertility, awakening, and the end of scarcity. This is the real time for “New Year’s Resolutions” to plant the seeds of intention to make changes in yourself, your environment, your activities, and your values. Spring cleaning clears the fields – eliminate the old to make room for the new. An old spiritual principle is that nothing new can attract where there is no room for it. If your goal is to form a loving, lasting relationship, you must first let go of any “old standby” lovers you keep on call. If a new wardrobe, the closets must be empty. It is true that “nature abhors a vacuum” and will rush to fill the empty spaces – but will NOT try to squeeze in where there is no room. So grab a broom and make space for your dreams! Choose the crop to plant. Decide on a clear goal; remember the mnemonic SMART for goals: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-bound. A SMART goal for a year of seeking a relationship might be: go out on two dates each month (Specific and Measurable), With people met on an on-line dating site (Achievable and Realistic) every month in the next year (time-bound). Note that this goal focuses on the process, not the outcome. Now provide the food to bring your crop to maturity: sunlight, water, and food. Shed light – perhaps announce your goal to a supportive person or group, and create a healthy environment. Using the relationship example, join a dating service, respond to requests within 24 hours, meet everyone who asks for coffee. You may also want to create a vision board to help you visualize the desired outcome (made by creating a collage of magazine pictures that symbolize the desired outcome). Do not pull up your crop to see if there is growth! (Pulling up the crop by the roots is done by giving free rein to your judgmental side “everyone on those sites is not looking for a relationship” and talking yourself out of doing the work that is needed!) Just follow that process you’ve set out, and trust that the universe will conspire with you to make your goals a reality! One more example: Overall crop: Accumulate a new wardrobe that expresses my personal style. Clear the field: Ruthlessly donate or discard anything that 1) has not been worn in the past year; 2) doesn’t fit; 3) doesn’t fit the style you want to establish. At the end of this process, your closet should be nearly empty! SMART goal: Buy one piece of clothing every month (Specific) that fits my desired style (Measurable), that fits me correctly (Achievable) within my budget (Realistic) every month this year (Time bound). Fertilize the crop: Read fashion magazines to develop the desired style, find appropriate shopping outlets (style, size, price range), and visit them at least monthly, create a notebook or collage to document your personal style choices. The fastest way to destroy a garden is to plant too many, competing crops. Choose the most important goal(s), develop a plan, then go to work. Everyone who has ever tried a self-improvement bombardment (lose 20 pounds, redecorate the house, start school, and change careers) knows that these goals only last a month at most before the overwhelmed crash of all the plans! Limiting yourself to one (at most two) goals is to seize the opportunities presented by the Spring Equinox, and go forth to meet the Goddess with love, ceremony, and trust!  by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div. How can political activism be a path to know God? What do those words even mean? From dictionary.com: Activism - 1. the doctrine or practice of vigorous action or involvement as a means of achieving political or other goals, sometimes by demonstrations, protests, etc. 2. Philosophy. a) a theory that the essence of reality is pure activity, especially spiritual activity, or process. From Wikipedia: Modern spirituality is centered on the “deepest values and meanings by which people live.” It embraces the idea of an ultimate or an alleged immaterial reality. It envisions an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of his/her being. Activism is a means of expressing and living one’s highest values. Once a person understands and adopts a spiritual belief system, the next step, traditionally, is to reject the trappings of the former life, and devote one’s self to living in alignment with the new system. Jesus preached his “good news” in every town, offering a method to reach salvation. For those who are not born the Redeemer, we need another path. That path is to live a life guided by moral principles – and that means be active politically. A simple example is the belief in the value of all human life. The believer can give away all worldly possessions, but this carries limited effect. A more universal act is to change the system so to meet all individual basic needs. The political activist can feed the poor in violation of local laws, can work to pass universal care policies, or can work on providing minimal “life support” (food, shelter, health care) to everyone. All these are political activities designed to change society to align with spiritual beliefs. Most spiritual and ethical systems start with respect and care for others, so, unless you have adopted Ayn Rand as your spiritual mentor, the next logical step on the path is to work for societal improvement. The most effective way to do that is to get active. While the mystics who separated from the world to live in seclusion and prayer may be admirable for their devotion, they did not change society. Feeding, educating, delivering health care and shelter are the actions that demonstrate love and compassion on this plane. Hence, it is impossible to care for a soul driven from the body by starvation or illness!
 by Rev. Tess Pender, M. Div. 7 Steps to Awakening It is easy to fall into the trap of a spiritual bypass. We find one easy explanation early in addiction recovery. It is common for newbie recovering addicts, however, learning of a “higher power” to throw themselves into spirituality. They sit in tattooed glory, coffee in one hand and cigarette in the other, and smile soulfully while sharing their newly discovered spiritual superiority. They never lose their tempers, harbor no thoughts of revenge, never judge anyone (except those who haven’t attained enlightenment). The only others to exhibit this behavior are Catholic-school products raised on “Lives of the Martyrs.” The danger of this spiritual bypass is relapse. Adopting a guru instead of doing the work of spiritual growth builds no foundation. The chakra system is one road map to spiritual growth. And each chakra has traps and hooks for those in a rush to enlightenment. The first, or root chakra, is the center of security. Its hooks are fears about safety and survival. Hooks in the first chakra were installed early. The panic of the food addict facing an empty refrigerator, the safety beckoning to the gambler by the score – we must, therefore, face these to escape the clutches of the first chakra. The work is to understand and believe that safety only lies in one’s own grounding, the commitment to self. This isn’t a single, “once done and over” step, but is the basis for the “three-step waltz” familiar in early recovery. The second chakra rules emotions, sexuality, creativity and the sense of self. The hook is evident in sex and love addicts’ behavior, falling for the same “bad boy” in different clothes. Thus, the work is to be at peace with emotions – welcome them, name them, learn that they are not all-powerful. Reclaiming the sacred self from the ravages of “needing love,” from emotional orgies, and sensual desires is a steep part of the mountain – and normally has many slips down the side. Related to the second chakra is the third – the place of boundaries and will. Learning to set and hold boundaries is difficult, but possible. The real trap comes in learning to respect others’ boundaries, to allow them to be themselves! The slogan associated with the third chakra is “What you think of me is none of my business.” This sneaky trap explains why co-dependency is harder to overcome than addiction – and why it kills people sooner than any drug. The work of the third chakra is to develop a functional adult persona – a challenging task for every “stuck in adolescence” addict! After the work of the lower three chakras, the path to spiritual awakening starts to get hard! The fourth chakra is the heart center – the home of love and compassion. During a spiritual bypass, the seeker thinks the job is to love and accept everybody. Sorry, but no – the work is to love the Self, embrace the Self with all its flaws, and shower yourself with compassion. This is the step of coming out of the closet – taking to the streets to declare, “I Was Born This Way!” with Lady Gaga. The fifth chakra rules the throat and demands truth. This is also where pleasant lies stop – the lies to yourself, the white lies to others. One trap is confusing rudeness with truth. There is no need to share passing thoughts or judgments! Learning that one’s thoughts are not the truths the world needs to hear is a shock to the ego, and a necessary step on the road to enlightenment! The work of the fourth chakra is facing the truth about one’s own self, by “coming out of the closet” of self-deceit. The third eye (between the brows) is the chakra of knowing. The work is claiming one’s knowledge, recognizing the truth seen, and letting go of all the little denials that make life easy (‘he loves me, even when he’s mean to me’). The work is to claim one’s intuition and release denial and hiding. Another trap is getting too impressed with knowing, and believing in a “unique gift”! Finally, the crown chakra is the connection to the universe, to infinite truth, to God, however, you envision our source. The work is to surrender to God’s plan – whoever your god is and however frightening the plan! The traps are many – the “spiritual bypass” (deciding that being spiritual allows one to skip all the work of the other chakras), becoming a guru who tells others how to live, becoming a sacrifice who has no wants or because you are so “sacred”.
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